The following is the transcript of an interview I managed to obtain with one of the leading figures in the world of football. For some reason the mainstream media has neglected to publish it.
KF: Thank you very much for your time.
You’re welcome. What would you like to talk about?
KF: Well I’d like to ask you about racism in football.
Ah yes. It’s endemic I’m afraid. But, as you probably know, we give tackling it the highest priority and we’re making progress.
KF: How do you know it’s endemic?
Because of the success of our Kick Racism Out Of Football campaign. It wouldn’t have been such a success if there was no racism. And the media love it.
KF: And what practical progress have you made?
Well, the new rules being introduced next year mean that any player referencing the skin tone or ethnicity of another player will be banned from playing the game sine die. For the purposes of these rules, players with red hair are considered to be part of an ethnic group so the G word will be outlawed. The life ban will also apply to comments relating to sexual predilection, female genitalia, disability and gender orientation.
KF: Are there many disabled and transgender footballers in the league?
We know that statistically there must be. However we’re not going to find out for sure if we discriminate against them, are we?
KF: Getting back to racism, in what other areas do you hope to make progress?
Well, for a start, the overwhelming majority of league managers are middle aged white men. That is completely unacceptable.
KF: So what are you going to do about it?
We’ll adopt the usual approach with these things – talk about it endlessly to anybody and everybody who’ll listen. Get a few hysterical write ups in The Guardian and a feature on Match Of The Day. Then, when nothing changes, we’ll claim the moral high ground and impose a quota system.
KF: But how will that work? I mean, how can you force clubs to take on black managers?
It’s simple. Clubs tend to change their managers quite regularly. So every time they change from a white male manager we’ll make them choose something else.
KF: You mean a black manager?
Or Asian. Or a female. And the salaries will have to be the same of course as we firmly believe in racial and sexual equality. Furthermore I should add at this point that all football league employees receive the living wage. Apart from ball boys.
KF: So I understand. And are you going to take the same approach with the players?
P: How do you mean?
KF: Well the statistics show that, as a proportion of population either nationally or globally, white players are grossly under represented in your league whilst players with a mixed ethnic background are hugely over represented. Do you intend to use a quota system to correct that imbalance?
No, of course not.
KF: Why is that?
Because the imbalance you refer to is a clear demonstration of the success of our policy of promoting cultural diversity.
KF: I see. One final question. You have no women whatever playing football in your league. Why not?
Because women have their own league.
Because they’re not physically strong enough to play with the male players.
KF: But I thought you said you believed in sexual equality?
I do. But they’re obviously not equal as footballers. Have you watched women’s football? I mean in an ideal world I’d like them to be but…..
KF: But you could have mixed teams with quotas from each sex. Surely that would be preferable to the…. sexual apartheid you are currently presiding over.
I don’t like that word and I don’t think that would work.
KF: Why not?
Because the fans wouldn’t like it.
Well they wouldn’t want to see women getting hurt in tackles by men, for a start.
KF: But surely you could address that sort of thing with Violence Against Women legislation?
Look, mate. I don’t know what you’re game is but this interview is concluded.
KF: Yes of course. Thank you for your time.